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Does your partner have a confidant for secrets, who is not you? Be worried

Author Francine Mathews once wrote, “I never feel that I have comprehended an emotion, or fully lived even the smallest events, until I have I have reflected upon it in my journal; my pen is my truest confidant, holding in check the passions and disappointments that I dare not share even with my beloved.” 

You are her boyfriend yet you are not her confidant. We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona. It is not strange at all, it is a phenomenon where lovers hide deep secrets from each other but have people on the side in whom they confide. It isn’t weird at all but rather ironic. What is much more discreet than nudity? Well, some people would rather be publicly seen naked than have their secrets discovered by the ones they are in love with. It is certainly more creditable to cultivate the earth for the sustenance of man, than to be the confidant, and sometimes the accomplice, of his vices.

Question is…Who is this confidant? Why should your partner entrust someone else with their dirty secrets rather than you? Is your relationship worth anything if the only thing you share is an uneasiness to reveal what lies underneath? In that case, I would advise you to get an escort, because that is the only relationship where the rule of engagement is to keep your personal information as sealed as possible, and the only transparency between the two is sharing of nudity.

Should we vilify a person who refuses to confide in their lover? What is the reason one partner or both hold tightly onto their deepest secrets, not allowing an iota of knowledge by the other half? Let’s delve into this mystery and try to unravel the reasons, whether justifiable or not, that make lovers hide secrets from each other.

 

# 1. Your partner doesn’t trust you with their deep secrets

Are you a type that can’t keep secrets? Are you a blabbermouth? This attribute can make your partner develop cold feet about revealing deep secrets to you. This creates a good opportunity for the secretive partner to find a confidant outside the romantic circle. Some partners regard the ability to keep secrets as wisdom, and the lack of it as folly. E. W. Howe wrote, “ The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.”

 

# 2. The fear of being dumped

 Some secrets are as deep as the ocean waters such that if they were to be opened, the titanic ship, which is love, would sink. So the longer the secret is kept, the longer the relationship stays. There are some secrets that we think we’re keeping, but those secrets are actually keeping us. What is this secret that your partner doesn’t want you to know? Be afraid. A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.

 

# 3. Secrets are power

Secrets are their strength perhaps. It is the Samson-Delilah scenario. In her book titled The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern writes, “ “Secrets have power. And that power diminishes when they are shared, so they are best kept and kept well. Sharing secrets, real secrets, important ones, with even one other person, will change them. Writing them down is worse, because who can tell how many eyes might see them inscribed on paper, no matter how careful you might be with it. So it’s really best to keep your secrets when you have them, for their own good, as well as yours.”

Power is a fickle mistress, easy to seduce, but even easier to lose. That’s how it works. One moment she is your closest confidant, whispering the secrets of the universe into your ear; the next, she is your vilest oppressor – and once her ears close to your plights you are well and truly screwed.

 

# 4. Your partner could be cheating on you with their confidant

 

It’s a possible sign your partner values the confidant more than you. Nothing is sweeter than a secret love, where the idea of sharing secrets and keeping each other’s secrets makes the hidden affair a perfect thrill.

 

Also Read: How to catch your cheating spouse

 

# 5. Your partner is emotionally distant

 Emotional closeness is related to being transparent with your partner. When your partner feels like you are just a passing cloud, you have no chance of being told secrets. 

# 6. The secrets could be harbouring lots of trauma

Your partner avoids telling you secrets that could reignite trauma. In the book, The Unspeakable Mind, by Shaili Jain, it is written, “ Avoidance occurs on two levels. On the first level, there is an emotional avoidance of all distressing memories, thoughts, and feelings about the trauma.  On the second, there is a behavioral avoidance of the people, places, conversations, activities, objects, and situations that cause those distressing trauma-related memories, thoughts, or feelings.”

 

 

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