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Welcome to the 21st century where your looks is all we fucking care

What is it about how we look that some people have killed, robbed, and sold their souls to get that dream body?

In the 21st century, thanks to an ever-demanding and cosmetic society, big booty, sexy curves and rock hard body complete with six-packs is no longer a lofty goal but a condition that must be met before you can be considered beautiful or handsome enough to date.

Women have it even harder and rougher; millions of women have to contend with the fact that their bodies are the first thing society picks on before they even utter a word.

So, as a woman how do you enhance your feminine curves? Here are just a few tips to consider.

Go for a second helping and fucking finish your food

Adding weight is the first step in enhancing your curves if you are on the slimmer side and on the verge of being mistaken for Tom*

Food makes us grow and big we grow when we eat with abandon. Some people, however, are naturally just not foodies and will go for hours without their stomachs rumbling or if you are learning borborygmus.

Not just any food will, however, make you grow big, healthier and fat so you need to know what you are consuming. There are plenty of foods out there that can help you add weight without breaking a sweat.

Homemade protein smoothies for instance is a great option for a highly nutritious drink and a quick way to gain weight.

So are Nuts and nut butters if you’re looking to gain weight. Just one small handful of almonds contains over 7 grams of protein and 18 grams of healthy fats.

Since they’re very calorie-dense, just two handfuls per day with a meal or as a snack can quickly add hundreds of calories.

Also Read: How does coffee affect your sex life?

Binging on junk food once in a while should also get the job done. Try to visit your sweet grandma more often and fucking finish your food when she offers you your third helping.

Shhh! Pop some ARVs and wait and see

What can I say desperate times call for desperate measures! You have put your dignity on the side, rolled up your sleeves and dug in on that hot Ugali and Nyama Choma Kenyan style ‘Haribu jina jenga mwili’ but your body is just not cooperating.

You are still ‘featherweight’ but you want to play in the big league so something drastic and quick is needed. Call it the ‘kill me quick’ method.

One of the side effects of using ARVs is that you end up adding wealth at an average of 5 kilograms per year. The weight gain which affects women more than men has seen some women on a quest to be big and round start popping the pills their status notwithstanding.

This is, however, not a healthy way to gain weight and doctors warn some antiretroviral drugs like Efavirenz may cause psychiatric problems, while protease inhibitors (a class of ARV drugs used to stop the replication of the HI virus) may raise your levels of cholesterol.

Hit the gym and go crazy on workouts

No pain no gain is the mantra here and the surest way to enhance your curves. It’s simple really your body is made of muscles which when put to work ‘pop up’ for lack of a better word. Your body gets firm as the last layers of fat melt. 

It’s good to note though that different people store fats in different places and sometimes your body just decides to dump fat in the most undesirable of places. 

To get you started zero in on where you want to work on and then pick a specific workout which works the hell out of them until the last slab of the fat melts off.

Lunges, for instance, are quite effective in terms of strengthening legs and buttocks. Lunges target large muscle groups of your lower body.

The most basic and important workout to start you off is swimming. Swimming is one of the best full-body workouts and what’s more the water keeps you cool, even as your heart gets a great workout.

You’ll probably be able to keep yourself going for a longer time than if you were running. That’s because it’s fun and gentle on your joints and muscles. The water can also feel relaxing.

With time and with every lap, you will be unrecognizable. 

Go down and dirty – Kuku style

Some women will do anything for that elusive bigger bottom look including getting down and dirty, Buck-buck-buck!

Across the world, some women consume chicken feeds to not only gain mass but also a big posterior. Chicken fattening pills are also proving to be popular by the day and some ladies swear by its effectiveness.

Also Read: Meet Ugandan women crazy about elongating their labia minora

Some women start eating it raw before developing the taste and graduating to seasoning it with milk and sugar.

The only problem I have with it is humans don’t have a gizzard so I’m at wit’s end on how they grind that stuff properly.

Go under the knife

If you want that big round ass you saw on Telly, that rock hard body complete with a six-pack or those two big melons threatening to bust open any minute and you caught yourself going….’Fuck I will rob a bank to have those fucking sexy Mellons’ the good news is that you can actually get that at a fee.

Whether you rob a bank or you just have the money surgery is another option to enhance your curves.

‘Brazilian butt lifts’ as they are known is now the hottest thing in town and it seems almost every woman wants a piece of it.  African local celebrities and socialites haven’t been left behind either literally. They are now rocking fake rears and walking with a bounce to top it off.

Also Read: How to tell if she has a fake butt

Butt augmentations is turning to be a big business in Africa powered by a burgeoning middle class. Butt augmentations take many shapes from implants to your own body fat harvested from the ample reserves in the stomach and low back and injected into your ass. These procedures don’t, however, come cheap and can cost upwards of $20,000. It’s also crucial that a well qualified plastic surgeon do the work for great results and they don’t come cheap. 

Vera Sidika or queenveebosset as she likes to refer to herself says she has only had one plastic surgery done to enlarge her breasts which cost her an arm and a leg.

Some butt augmentation jobs can be so good it can pass for the real thing while others are so badly done its grotesque to look at. Even a blind man wouldn’t bang it for free, it’s that bad.

It’s not just women who go under the knife to enhance their curves, men too are catching up and fast. Rodrigo Alves is known as “the human Ken doll” because of his surreal, plastic-like resemblance to Barbie’s beau. The man has so far undergone 72 procedures at a cost of more than $750,000, to enhance his body features.

Hips enhancement injections and creams are also available and some women prefer them before resorting to jabs and ‘skin burning’ creams.

Fake it till you make it

Well, you don’t see yourself working like a pig to get that dream body neither is your banking account any better so what options are you left with?

Mmmmh what about wearing padded hip and bum pants? I know it sounds fake and cheap as fuck but Hey! the end justifies the means.

Padded pants and underwear has been all the rage for a while now and millions of women world over wear them from celebrities to mere mortals.

Padded panties or bikers portray a larger than normal posterior and well-rounded hips.

So if you’re curious about what you’d look like with a bigger bum, especially if you’re considering surgical enhancements then padded underwear is a good start and will give you a nice picture.

However, if you want something that feels and moves like a real booty or you want something permanent that you won’t have to put on and take off daily then padded pants aren’t for you.

Alternatively, maybe you are looking at it wrongly. Your clothes may enhance your curves or make them invisible. Dressing for your body is the first step in understanding what works for you. Talk to a designer and they will offer you invaluable tips on clothes to wear to make your bum appear bigger and even the type of hairstyle you need to rock.

Go to a well-trained tailor to dress you and step out looking like a million bucks just to be sure if you still need that fake butt.

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