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Sexual Planning

‘Not tonight honey’ is a common phrase in many relationships as time goes and couples simply start having less and less sex.

After a certain time, couples stop prioritizing intimacy because of work, kids, responsibilities, etc. Partners roll into bed, exhausted at the end of the day.

It can be difficult to find time to foster positive and frequent intimacy when you lead hectic lives as most people do in this day and age. There is this unspoken myth that sex should just happen, when that is not always the case. That is why scheduling intimacy can be a perfect solution!

Sexuality and intimacy is part of the glue holding relationships, so we need to give it the respect and dedication it deserves, just as we do when planning a trip or event.

How to actually schedule sex

Create a Calendar

When you write your scheduled sex down, you’re granting it the same weight you’d give any other important appointment. So be sure it’s on both of your calendars. 

It can be on the calendar on the fridge; you can write it as a secret symbol and share the secret of anticipation together, share the event with your partner on your google calendar.

It is important to treat this event with the same importance you would give other significant events you might have; like the gym, a brunch or golf date with your friends, a doctor’s appointment, etc.

You can pick a fun color, emoji, and make this decision together. Make sure you both respect the date and make efforts to follow through.

The idea is to schedule time to foster stronger and long-lasting connections. Could be painting together, having a make-out session, going for planned walks, oral sex, doing an activity together that fosters sexual desire or attractiveness.

Try to stick to it

One of the biggest issues couples have with this process is not following through. It’s really up to the two of you to decide how committed you are to this schedule based on everything else going on in your lives.

Obviously, you won’t be able to see positive results if there isn’t follow through on both partners’ behalfs. Keep in mind that a minimum of follow-through is expected for this to work. An initial sense of pressure can be felt, but usually drops off once you integrate and get used to the schedule. 

Keep an eye on what schedule tactics work and do not work for you, keep the communication active throughout this process and check in with your partner, don’t be afraid to make changes if needed throughout the process! Communication is key.

Figure out a day and time that works for both of you

I recommend that couples sit down together and carve out a time that works, whether it’s a standing sex date or something you need to decide anew each week. It feels like a more intentional step towards intimacy than scheduling via text and the like. Technology is great, but there’s really nothing like IRL face time.

Don’t just think about when it logistically makes sense, also think about when you might feel most emotionally and mentally engaged or turned on.

Be flexible about what kinds of intimacy are involved

Having a sex schedule does not mean you need to have intercourse every time (or ever). This isn’t really about sex. It’s about intimacy. Many—but not all—couples often do experience this through sex, while others don’t.

The point is scheduling time to engage in whatever activities make you feel more closely connected. Perhaps it’s a make out session. Maybe one week it’s oral sex and the next you spend time playing with your partner’s hair and talking about your fantasies.

Lean into the anticipation

I get that “scheduled” can sound synonymous with ‘dull and boring’.

It’s not. While this tactic won’t work in every relationship, scheduled sex creates anticipatory excitement for some people. It sets the sex date into your routine along with the opportunity to explore new sexual terrain.

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