Sexual Coercion: How to Set Sexual Boundaries in a Relationship 1

Sexual Coercion: How to Set Sexual Boundaries in a Relationship

Reading Time: 5 minutes

Sexual Coercion

Think of sexual coercion as a spectrum or a range. It can vary from someone verbally egging you on to someone actually forcing you to have contact with them. It can be verbal and emotional, in the form of statements that make you feel pressure, guilt or shame.

Sexual coercion refers to using pressure, alcohol, drugs or force to have sexual intimacy with someone against their will. This includes “persistent attempts to have sex with someone who has already refused.”

Some people can use sexual coercion with strangers for instance someone they just met randomly. Or with people they know for example friends, schoolmates, neighbors or coworkers. They can also use sexual coercion with spouses or people they are dating.
Regarding sexual coercion in relationships, people who are dating, researchers say these are some of the basic ways individuals coerce romantic partners into unwanted sexual activity:

Exploitation

This refers to using a form of exploitation and deception to obtain sexual intimacy claiming to be in love with the victim or using alcohol to lessen their ability to say NO to sexual intimacy.

Using Insults

Bullying or calling the victim bad names to get sexual intimacy from them calling the target bad names in order to get sex for instance accusing them of being uptight or a bad lover.

Pressure

Nagging, arguing and begging and persistence to force the other person to have sexual intercourse. The target ultimately gives up because the abuser fails to give up.

Relational Threats or Manipulation

Threatening to end the relationship or seek another sexual partner if the target does not comply with their sexual wishes. Accusing the target of being a “bad girlfriend” or “bad spouse” falls into this category.
Sexual Coercion: How to Set Sexual Boundaries in a Relationship 2

Intimidation

This involves shouting and making scenes to degrade the target to make them them comply by telling them things like, they are disgusting or don’t know how to do the sex act. Forms of humiliation include, “No one in their right mind would want to touch you,” Other forms of intimidation include punching walls or breaking objects all over.

Inducing Helplessness

Helplessness happens when the target understands that through personal experience that they are unable to say no to sex since their partner ignores their efforts to refuse sex or physically overpowers them. Targets who are made to feel helpless may not object to particular acts on specific days because they know they can’t resist.

Induce Hopelessness

Telling the target that the effects of refusing to have sexual intimacy are worse than complying. For example, an abuser may give his romantic partner the silent treatment, mistreat them or their children or even act cold or mean if the target refuses to comply sexually.

Physical Harm

When harm or physical threats occur at times other than during sexual activities targets know they’ll put themselves at risk if they don’t submit to sexual intimacy.
Abusers use other coercion tactics as well as other tools of coercive control like physical abuse, isolation and mind control and also manipulation. All of these create a toxic relationship that ultimately erodes the target’s sense of self. With time, the target learns that it is easier to give in and get over with it other than trying to resist.

Setting Sexual Boundaries

How do you establish sexual boundaries between you and your partner? You may feel scared to set boundaries between you and your significant other but boundaries are vital and helpful.

What’s a Boundary?

Establishing a boundary involves drawing an invisible line between something you are comfortable with and something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
If for instance your partner makes mean comments on your looks, you would politely ask them to stop doing so and a boundary will be created between the two of you. That person understands what makes you uncomfortable and continuing to engage in such activity would be crossing the boundaries.

Sexual boundaries include:

The way that person touches your body
How your partner treats you in sexual situations
How someone views your body.
Whatever you are comfortable doing to and with other individuals.

 

Define Implicit and Explicit Sexual Boundaries ?

Here are some of the examples of what is considered implicit sexual boundaries.
Sexual limits are crucial for both romantic partners in a relationship. Here is a list of what might be considered implicit sexual boundaries:
Not wanting to engage in sexual or intimate acts with a person who has a sexually transmitted disease.
Not wanting to engage in sexual activity with a person who is under the influence of drugs.

Not wanting to have sexual activity while you are on birth control or after taking medicine  for prevention of pregnancy.

Instances of Explicit Sexual Boundaries

Not wanting to have sexual acts unless your romantic partner uses protection like a condom

Not wanting someone to touch you sexually before you agree

Not wanting to do anything that makes you uncomfortable even if the activity is considered normal.

How to Explore Your Sexual Boundaries With Your Romantic Partner

During boundary negotiation with your significant other  ask yourself what your likes and dislikes are. What are some of your best or worst sexual encounters? It’s okay if the experiences are with the same person. You may love being with your romantic partner but there may be situations in the past when you felt uncomfortable but you didn’t open up about them.

Be direct and clear about what you want to do and what you don’t want to do. If you worry about hurting your partner’s feelings it’s advisable to lead with a positive attitude. For instance, you can tell them, “I love when you do this, but I don’t enjoy it when you do that.”

Your significant other should also learn to respect your boundaries. If they question your boundaries then you have a deeper problem that needs to be addressed.

How to talk About Your Sexual Boundaries With Your Partner

So, how do you set boundaries with a romantic partner? What are the keys to discussing your sexual boundaries and how do you set them with your romantic partner?  A healthy relationship is all about communication. This means having serious and open conversations about serious topics and without judgement.

Let your partner know and understand why you want to talk to them and find a quiet place with no distractions. Do not wait until you are about having sexual intercourse to have a sex talk about boundaries. Discussing sexual boundaries should be the most natural thing for the two of you. Pick a time when both of you are available and free to discuss your sexual feelings.

You may also use this period to propose new ideas between the sheets. Rather than springing something new to your partner immediately, discuss new sex styles you would like to try together. Whatever you want to do in bed or you don’t want to do, ensure that your partner knows this before any of you takes your clothes off.

You can try a new sex position, different sex toys or condoms of different textures.

Characteristics of Couples who Practice Healthy Sexual Boundaries

They understand that their significant other may not want sexual relations as often as they do.

They don’t want their significant other to feel pressures

They are happy that their partner feels comfortable enough to beg off when not feeling up for sexual intimacy, and they see it as a form of self-care.

They would not want their romantic partner to feel the pressure to have sexual intimacy when they don’t want to.

They would never react negatively when their partner says that they don’t want sexual intimacy at a particular time.

They know how to take good care of themselves if their partner doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse with them and don’t allow it to harm the relationship.

Relationships can turn out to be sexless with time. If both partners are okay with that, it is okay. If one of the partners cannot accept it then, the one who has lost interest should do all they can to determine what is going on and get back on the sexual track.

This could also mean having a physical examination that includes physical therapy, bloodwork and testing hormones. Since sexual relations is a normal personal need you need to understand what you should do so that you are in a position to meet your partner’s sexual needs. Don’t expect your sexually interested partner to give up on their sex life forever.

Sexual Coercion: How to Set Sexual Boundaries in a Relationship 3 484

Leave a Reply

Pin It on Pinterest

fr_FRFR