Spotting an Emotionally Unavailable Romantic Partner
An individual who is emotionally unavailable is one who is not open to intimacy or sharing their feelings. This means that they don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable with other people. Weena Culins, LCMFT, a licensed marriage therapist told mindbodygreen, “When a person is emotionally unavailable, it means they’re unwilling or unable to manage the emotional aspects of a relationship.”
Naomi Torres-Mackie, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in couple’s therapy at Lenox Hill Hospital and the head of research at The Mental Health Coalition, shares with TODAY.com. that, “an emotionally unavailable person may present as “stoic, reserved, detached, or even cold, but what it really means is that they lack emotional awareness,”
Ken Page, LMFT, a therapist and relationship expert shares that emotional unavailability may be caused by several factors like childhood trauma, an avoidant attachment style, being highly empathetic to an extent of avoiding empathy altogether and also the fear of losing freedom and independence.
 Pam Shaffer, MFT, a licensed psychotherapist shares that sometimes we may go through phases where we are somewhat less emotionally unavailable while other times it becomes more chronic. Speaking with Mind Body Green, she shared, “It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, but it may mean you’re using your emotional bandwidth to cope with your own feelings or circumstances, so you don’t have enough to necessarily tune into another person.”
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It’s Impossible to Please Them
People who are emotionally unavailable find it easy to convince themselves that you are not the right partner for them is very easy. Writing for Mind Body Green, sexologist Gigi Engle shared, “If you feel like you need to be perfect, chill, sexy, and interesting all the time in order to keep someone interested, chances are you’re not the issue.”
She asserts that such people are impossible to mollify since, “they are always looking for something negative to latch onto in order to justify their crappy behavior.” Gigi adds that such people may seek perfection in imperfect human beings in a bid to use your flaws to justify their decision to end things with you or not to get serious with you.
They Don’t Label The Relationship
If your romantic partner doesn’t want to label the relationship you are in, it’s likely that they are not emotionally available to provide you with the kind of love and respect that you are looking for. Shaffer explains, “Relationships can take many forms, but if someone refuses to define their relationship or talk about what you can both expect from it while still wanting all the benefits of it, they might not be ready to be an available partner.”
Their Relationship History is a Major Red Flag
If the person you think isn’t emotionally available and has a record of situationships and breadcrumbing or something that shows their reluctance to connect with you intimately, it’s advisable to take it at face value. You may tend to think that you may be that one person who turns them into a tender or loving person, however the odds are that they are going to treat you like their past lovers.
Minimizing Your Feelings
Minimizing your partner’s feelings is an indication of emotional unavailability. A person who’s emotionally unavailable may get busy with other activities when you are crying. They may even laugh off your emotional agitation , tears or anguish.
They Avoid Making Plans
They Call The Shots
You Don’t Seem to Grow Closer Together
They Reflect Your Feelings Without Offering Their Own
They Show Up Late to Dates
How to Deal With an Emotional Unavailable Partner
See a Couples’ Therapist
Schedule Time to Connect With Your Partner
Identify What Your Needs Are
Be a Part of a Support Group
Remind Them That They Are Not to Blame
You can spare time to share what you have learned about childhood emotional neglect and about your partner’s childhood and their upbringing if they are willing. The more both of you understand what childhood experiences have had the less blaming both of you can.
Discuss How to Move Forward and Heal
Ask your partner to learn the much they can about emotional negligence to see if it applies to them. Explain to them that the only way to heal is working hard and relating to their own emotions and yours in a different way.
Remember The Rest Is Up to Your Partner
The steps listed above are all in your control. Remember that you can’t heal your partner’s emotional neglect for them. The only thing you can do is to be knowledgeable, patient and understanding.
The Bottom Line
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